I Miss You
by CrowNoYami
Summary: A letter can tell someone so many things, from what they have to what could have been. It can cause happiness and despair but sometimes just sometimes the pain is worth it. DEATHFIC


I miss you, sometimes I wonder if you know that, if you remember me down here waiting for you still. It's been so many years but I still look over my shoulder to see if you will be there, I still feel my heart skip a beat if the phone rings thinking that it might be you. How much longer will this last? This never-ending pain of you no longer being with me? I suppose all I can do now is sit here and wait, looking to the window and wishing for you to be on the other side. It's not possible though, is it? It's been three years... three years since I last saw you and not so much as word since.

You're gone from this world, I know nobody had to tell me, nobody had to break the news that would in turn break my heart... I just knew. I think I know the exact moment that it happened, I could feel the pull on my very soul and it killed me, it tore me apart to know... to just _know_ that I had lost you somehow, that you were gone. Tell me, did you think of me at all? Did I once even cross your mind as you spent our time away from me, away from love in general. Don't get me wrong I never had any illusions of being the only one that you took to your bed.

Everyone knew that you would not tie yourself down to anyone, not even me... but I got through to you somehow didn't I? I was there when you needed someone to punish, to take the blame for everything; the old and the new and not once did I complain. Tell me did you miss me even if it was just someone to fuck without worrying about their pleasure? Did you miss my comfort when you felt that the world was just too much and you needed to escape? Did you think of me as you saw your death comming to you?

You were in my thoughts every day, just so that you know. Every day I would think of you, every day I would pray that you would be alright, that nothing harmful would happen to you. I never allowed myself time to think about my own fears and hurts, I never gave them a second thought but you're pain was an extension of my own. I only wanted to make you happy... and I hope that even if you are not with me that you're happy now.

Tell me did it hurt? Dying I mean... I know that there was probably pain before your death but the actual dying part; did it hurt? Strange I know that I of all people, the one that you once whipped until I passed out would ask you about pain. But you don't like pain, do you? I hope it didn't hurt, that it was peaceful enough for you to just be gently taken away from me. Gods I miss you.

I suppose that was the whole point of writting this, wasn't it? To tell you that I miss you... that there isn't a night I don't spend wishing that you were laying there beside me. I use to cry myself to sleep every night, did you see me? I don't cry anymore... I haven't been able to cry in a long time since you left .. Crazy but I feel that if I cry for something besides you then it wouldn't be fair to your memory.

I don't want to take up more of your time, after all I'm sure that you are busy even in the afterlife. I just want you to know one more thing before I let you go for now at least; until tonight when I crawl in that lonely bed and hold myself praying that you're happy. I never regretted submitting myself to you, I knew that it was a trap from the start... but thank you for trying to sway me over with sweet words and sweet lovemaking. I knew that eventually your inner darkness would shine through, I had done my research about your nature long before I agreed to anything.

But I still love you, more then I thought would ever be possible for someone like me. I never thought that I was possible for such an emotion but here I am now; lost without you near me. Oh the others don't know... they could never guess at my emotions but I make sure that the one who knew your love in return knows. Yes it was a platonic love but I stay with her now, we both take comfort in the fact that we both love you... I am sure that she will be joining you soon. She knows everything now, I'm sure that you will punish me someday about that but I had to explain why I never aged while she got older.

She still loves you like no other, you are her one and only. She promised me to deliver this letter to you if at all possible and I hope that it makes it to you. I love you, with every quirk that you have I still love you... but I won't be seeing you in the afterlife. We were all told that you went to heaven, the place that we all knew you would go... even with your past life you more then made up for it to gain access to the pleasent afterlife.

I will join those of another level however, as sure as I am that I could sway my way to be granted access to heaven... I wont. This is why I asked your mother to give this letter to you while you live on, and I pray with everything that I am that you eventually get this. I will be going to the final layer of hell. It will be my punishment for not being good enough for you, it's alright I knew before I lost you that I would never be enough so I just wish that you remember me... I wouldn't be able to handle being what we were in the afterlife so I'm sorry.

I love you with everything that I am.  
Hiei

Tears poured down the young mans face as he read the final words on the piece of paper. It had taken some smooth talking and a favor from the one who wrote it but eventually it had made its way to the redhead that was now looking at the words in disbelief as tears flowed from his eyes. How could his young lover had thought like that? Hadn't he known of his affection? Sure it had started off as a game but near the end he had grown to love the little forbidden one.

Beside him stood a taller figure this one's hair was made of stands of silver who also had a far-off look in his eyes. They both had been waiting for their little lover to make his way to the afterlife so that they could finally be with him again now it seemed as though that would never happen.

Letting out a harsh sob the redhead threw himself in the others' chest and cried, while the taller of the two simply held the younger one and let silent tears pour down his face. They had lost their chance at being happy, of being complete because they never spoke of their love.

"I love you, Hiei.."

The words were spoken from them both as they comforted eachother, while somewhere deep in hell where even the foulest of creatures dared not go a small young demon gave a half-smile. His entire body was bleeding, skin torn from his body while he was spread being whipped by the demon behind him. For just a moment he had thought that he had heard a whisper of love from two voices he could never forget and for that moment it was worth it... all of the pain, the endless pain was worth it to feel loved just once.

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho... if I did it would be all about Hiei**

**A/N:**** I am so sorry if this story offends anyone, in all honesty it was suppose to be my own personal diary but I kind of got carried away and it turned into a fic. Thank you to everyone that reads this and I would like to say sorry for the spelling errors, my normal program died and so I was stuck with a spell-check-less one. I hope that you can read through it all and thank you.**

**With love,  
Mari-chan**


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